Other than God, no one knows the pain that wakes me up at night, yearning, missing, and thinking of my first baby. My baby bruddah.

The commotion starts, the kind reminiscent of a war cry. I see the tears streaming her face and I feel like a piece of garbage for not being able to help her. She doesn’t make eye contact with me, and immediately I know it’s because she can’t. Looking at me will just put a sting to her already stained eyes. Looking at me and bruddah hurts too much right now.
She is ashamed.
Clearly shaken.
She is defeated.
I feel like garbage.
She cradles the phone. She’s looking at no where in particular, still holding onto the phone.
Eventually, she dials a number. She explains as best she can that she has been beat into oblivion; Again.
She can’t live like this anymore. She is scared to death. She is afraid she may die.
She succeeds in saying all this because for the moment, the monster is gone. Running for drugs, or even better laying up with one of his women. One thing for sure, he hurts her every chance he gets. He is indeed the enemy.

After that phone call, everything happened in fast forward. Packing clothes, U-haul truck, the grandparents, at long last showing up to save us. It all happened so fast.

I held my baby brother. His eyes looking to me for answers that I didn’t have. All I knew is, I couldn’t let him go. If I did, I would break apart. I might even die. For he was my everything. I loved him so. His smell, his eyes brown and bright, his smile, his curly hair, and his tiny fingers, he was mine. The cutest little boy in the world. And he was so easy to love. I protected him from the night terrors, the boogie man, and from that viciously swinging  belt. It was my job, he was mIne. He looked up to me, but yet, I wanted to do everything he did. He sucked his thumb at night, I sucked mine’s too. He carried a special blanket around, and I wanted one too. He was remarkable. He could light the sky with that smile of his, and he always had the power to make her feel better after one of many attacks from the monster. Baby bruddah was our world.

Finally, our help came and we were free from the monster. Except, he took hold of the one thing in life that meant anything to me.
I felt my heart beating faster.
Maybe I’m hyperventilating.
Maybe I’m dying.
He is the air I breathe. I’m fainting. I’m seven years old, and I’ve passed out from confusion. When I woke up, baby bruddah was gone.
Just like that.

It was decided, “you can go, take your daughter, but you can’t have my son.”

I can’t explain how I felt. How I still feel. The pain that grips me. Sometimes daily. One person loved me alot. One person held my hand at night. One person depended on me. It was him. Baby bruddah. He took him away from me.
Was I ever considered?  Did anyone for a second think about what this would do to me, or him. I became angry. I lashed out at her, as if she had the strength or power to take on an entire monster. She wasn’t built for it. Her love was deep. Her heart was broken, but fight, she could not. This changed us all. In a nutshell, it has shaped our lives.

Now as adults, we struggle to put back together what was so selfishly ripped from us. I feel cheated. My brother feels cheated. And, after all these years, I still harbor a tremendous amount of guilt mostly caused by a death that cut off any chance of reconnection between a mother and her baby son. It rattles my mind, and my heart, and I ache for what could have been.

I live. I love. I’m happy. I’m conscious of my feelings. I know, I know, I cannot live in the past. 
But guess what.
I still ache.
I still get angry about it.

This is extremely difficult for me to write. Not so much that I’m afraid of the feelings, but it still shocks me that my heart breaks like this. It’s difficult watching my tears soak the pages of my notebook. It doesn’t matter how soaked the pages get, the feelings don’t wash away.
These tears signify liquid prayers.
A river of liquid prayers.

We’ve gotten better. We know that what happened wasn’t our fault. We know it, but we still struggle.

I thought about asking my brother if he’d be okay with me writing this. It was a hard decision. We are both extremely private. I wrote it a long time ago and never really had the courage to post it. Then I read a fellow bloggers story of her life without her brothers and it seemed so interconnected with my own thoughts and feelings. I cried the whole time reading it, and I felt relieved that someone else felt like me. That was when I knew, this post wasn’t going to just be for me. It’s someone else that may need to hear a story like this.

I’ve written it to the best of my ability. It’s the way the spirit lead me to do it. I’ve gone as deep as I’m willing to.

To my bruddah. I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again, we loved you back then. I love you still. The closest and only thing other than my kids that connects me to our mother. It’s you. The eyes. The spirit. I see her in you. I am proud of you and the man you’ve become. The father you’ve become, truly phenomenal. We promised each other. We made a vow. We must never forget, or loose ourselves again. I pray you understand my heart and my words. The ultimate goal in this would be for you to know, more than anything, I was affected. And you are loved.

A true life short by Dee

  1. Tammy said:

    This story is sad but it was heart felt. To go through that as a child…..Your blogs will definitely help someone. We have an author in the making……

  2. Julia Williams said:

    Things are not fair all the time. God’s time is not our time. Thru time,wounds will heal. God does all things well,there a purpose for things,may not understand,but it will all turn out ok in the end. Keep pressing on.

  3. cardamone5 said:

    I am crying for your and for your brother, but how wonderful that you summoned the courage to let him know what he means to you, and, I’m sure, will empower other readers with similar struggles. Big hugs to you. You are brave.

    Best regards,

    • Thank you Elizabeth. I appreciate your comment. I do feel courageous and a bit free in sharing this.

  4. Brad said:

    Hey sis I don’t have a problem with you posting this someone needs to hear it. I never know the story from your perspective and how you truly felt about it. It was hard to read but good at the same time. And yes you are so right I did look up to you, you were my everything and where ever you were that’s where I wanted to be. It was very hard on me when you would visit later on after all this happend. It used to crush me when it was time for you to go. I can go on and on and since I’m not a writer like you I will be giving a call to talk more about this. Love you

    • heart was racing as I read your comment and after the first sentence, I felt at ease. Thank you, thank you for reading this and getting it and for loving me through the process. Love you Bro!

  5. I was touched in multiple ways by your post. And yes, I sobbed through it. I’m so sorry for the loss you have felt. I can’t help but feel that when we share our raw emotion with others it shows our strength and you did exactly that, I see your strength. It also connects us in the most human of ways because like you said, we know we aren’t alone in how we feel. You are truly a beautiful person. Thank you for sharing this with me.

    • Thank you so much for your warm and heartfelt comment. It was you who gave me the courage to write this after I read your story so I truly thank you. Sometimes we don’t know our own strength until we try something powerful and succeed.

      • That’s right! Keep writing and keep in touch.

  6. So.absolutely.beautiful. ❤ I am convinced that your words will bring healing… God bless you both!

    • Thank you so much. I haven’t checked on my blog in so long and I saw an alert in my email that someone had left me a comment. I appreciate you reading it. One of the most intimate things I could ever post, and the scariest.. Perhaps your comment is God’s way of nudging me to get back to writing. Many blessings to you as well. I will check out your blog.


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