The 90 day rule:Confessions of a Single Lady

For starters, can I still call myself a single lady if “He” has already asked me to be his lady and I accepted?

I don’t know if I’m clear on that.
I don’t know that I care for clarification since, I’m not all caught up on titles such as girlfriend, boyfriend, my lady, my man and so on.

I’m more into the knowing.

And if you know that you know what you know, the title is irrelevant..

Let me move along before I start rambling.

So yea, you know that rule.

The 90 day one.

Something about not having sexual relations until after the first 90 days because waiting 90 days will give you time to grow your relationship, grant you some morality cool points, and hopefully take your relationship to a more comfortable, stable situation.

Well, I guess I’ve been sort of doing the 90 day rule on steroids.

Nooooo.. I’m not on steroids.

I’ve just taken a different approach to the 90 day rule which in actuality really isn’t so different at all.

This isn’t something I go around broadcasting either, so give me a moment. My closer circle of family and friends know about it. But somehow, it’s kind of hard to say here..
I’m celibate.
There, I said it.
Here is my confession:
I practice celibacy. I’ve been practicing it for years. The number doesn’t matter, just know it’s been a long time. My youngest child is seven years old, so you can venture a guess that it’s sometime between her birth and now. What’s important though is the why.

It is a personal choice and the lifestyle will not suit everyone. It comes with its own set of challenges, doubts, fears, temptations, and all of that is amplified when you are actively in a relationship.
For me, I always wanted that traditional situation. That biblical idea of the virgin, husband/wife and all that. I always wanted it, yet I didn’t know that I wanted it until after I was already an unmarried mother of four.

I alone decided to recommit myself to the idea, and wait until marriage to have that kind of bond with a man again.
Let me give you some background.
I like sex.
I enjoy it.
But, I’ve had it before, and a relationship is so much more than sex. My thinking is, that when sex comes into the relationship too soon, things get mixed up and can become quite complicated. Development takes a backseat because its growth has been stunted by lust and desire. As a result of this, we don’t get time to properly grow the relationship because now, an emotional attachment, via sex has shook up the natural order of things.
I wanted more.
I wanted to experience a greater love. An organically grown love.
Based on truth, respect, honor, trust, loyalty and I knew I couldn’t aquire that greater love without a sacrifice. I wanted more than I had previously had.  I began to desire more and I wrote about it, I thought about it, and I prayed about it. What God gave me back is that if I wanted something different, I had to do something different. And so, the journey began.
I’ve often been met with criticism, and believe it or not, it mostly comes from other women. And what do these women say?
1. Oh I couldn’t do that.
2. Why are you depriving yourself.
3. Do you even like sex.
4. No man will ever go for that.
5. You must be crazy.
6. It couldn’t be me.
7. oh, hell no, I Gets mine.
And the list goes on and on… trust me, other women be trying it.
Men aren’t nearly as critical as woman can be with this information, but they immediately turn into huntsman. A few scenarios can take place when you tell a man this for the first time. 
1. Intially, he doesn’t believe you.
2. He doesn’t take the full magnitude of what you’re saying.
3. He thinks you are celibate because you are single.
4. He believes he can slow walk you, change your mind, and conquer you.

Men love a challenge. It’s like a hunt, so now you withholding sex becomes a game. If any man can’t respect this process, then he ain’t the man for me. They will try you, but when you hold out, and stick to your own principles, he is going to do one of two things. Stick around, or leave.
It’s really that simple.

The thing about me is that I am extremely strong and very serious about my principles. It’s basically a covenant between me, and God. I refuse to allow anyone to break that covenant, even myelf. The covenant will come full circle on my wedding day. The man I marry will be the one. The whole of it is for him, and I, and our union. I don’t have time to be dating some guy for three months, giving away my treasure, later realizing we aren’t that compatible at all.
Personally, I’ve always had a pretty strong set of values and I’ve never been into casual sex.
I don’t act on impulse or emotions.
No thanks.
I’m doing it this way.
I know what God told me. I’m real clear on that. 
I’m currently in a relationship, and explaining it to him was a lot easier than a few other men I’ve had this same conversation with over the years. He didn’t automatically understand it, but he did ask a ton of questions and eventually learned it’s importance to me.
I gave him a choice.
Stay or go.
I’m not changing.
He can change his own mind about continuing in this if he wants to.
We are highly attracted to each other in every way, but my principles come first.
The elements of our relationship are the same as any other. It’s fun, it’s giddy, it’s interesting, its intimate, it’s deep, it’s growing. We enjoy each other. We enjoy every aspect of a traditional relationship except, we don’t have sex. That’s it.
I’m doing it this way. We’re doing it this way.
I’m trusting God.
I’m honoring the process.
And anyone who doesn’t get or understand it, that’s really a problem for them.
Me and my dude, we good over here..

Peace and blessings,


  1. Mary Conyers said:

    I’m so proud of you! God has given you the upper hand on this. So hold on to your treasure because it will be a beautiful wedding present to give to him.

  2. Gina Marie said:

    I admire your conviction; sex truly can be a sacred union. And you’re right on point: if a man can’t respect that, he can move right along. All the best to you, lady!

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