I have visions of being cradled by you.
You smelling my first breath.
Giving me my first kiss, and showing me the first love of a man so that I’d know.
Helping me to drive a car, and being that shoulder to cry on.
The guiding voice of reason.
I have visions.
Many visions but, they are false.
Because you weren’t there.
These visions are tangled in the corners of my mind and they warp any sense of what should be, of what could be for me.
When my first love beat me with his fist like the violent rhythms of a nasty drum beat, you weren’t there to tell me, ‘no baby this isn’t how it should be.’
When my legs were pryed open by the first man who said I love you girl, you weren’t there to tell me ‘baby, just because he said it doesn’t mean it’s love.’
Wait for the one who God sends.
You didn’t tell me.
I didn’t know.
Because you didn’t show me the ways of love between a man and a woman, or between a father and a child.
I simply didn’t know.
I got older yes, but still I was messed up inside.
I’ve learned the ways of man by looking through the only glasses that have been provided for me. And these glasses are dingy.
They can’t seem to get clean.
And then, after all, now, you come back saying you want to show me how to love.
You want to show me what to except, and you want me to trust you.
You want me to forgive you because you weren’t there but, you don’t keep your word.
And you fool me again. This time the lesson you teach is one of disappointment, lies, and judgements.
From your lessons I still don’t know what it looks like between a man and a woman.
Now when I meet someone who is truly good, I run.
He wants to love me and it feels all wrong.
I pick him to pieces, searching, looking for that bad piece to fit the puzzle I am so use to.
I self destruct because good isn’t what I’m here for.
Good isn’t what you’ve shown me.
I keep waitin for you to validate me.
Waiting for you to accept me, waiting for you to love me,
And you can’t deliver.
And I cry, and die a little more inside everytime you try.
But today, I stand.
I hear a voice. so loud, so clear. so pure.
It’s the voice of God.
He gently tells me, that the validation I’ve been seeking is from my earthly father but “I am” your Heavenly Father.
The father of all nations, the father high in all the earth.
And I am yours.
I kissed you with the sun.
I cuddled you at night, I breathed life into you from that day to the next day to this day.
I was here to show you always what the love of a father looked like but you didn’t see me.
Do you see me now?
I will never leave you.
I will never forsake you.
I made you in the image of what is most important to me.
I gave you gifts, I gave you joy, I even gave you some trials, but I am always here.
I will always accept you,
and I will always love you,
You my child, are delivered.
© D. Lavon 2003- all rights reserved
I know it’s late, or for some it may be early. I was up revisiting some old journals, and I came across this. I thought, hmmmmmm.. This might be good for somebody. So yes, I’m posting it now.
And in a hurry before I change my mind. This is one of those times when my annoyingly private self is having a full blown moment of transparency.
Let me hit post and log off before I come to my private, secret squirrel senses and hit delete.
By the way, happy July. I completely missed posting in the month of June. Maybe we can play catch up. I have lots to share..
Disclaimer: this piece is not an attack or vendetta against anyone. I don’t bash men, or my father. This is simply Dee. Straight, no chaser in 2003.
Let me know your thoughts on the subject.
Peace & Love