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grief

May I tell you how much you mean to me?

You mean EVERYTHING to me. I wish I could tell you.

Is it too late? Have I missed the chance. How about I hate myself for not cherishing you MORE when I had you here with me.

Yesterday was rough.

Sometimes I get through it easy enough and other times, I’m just numb.

August 18th was my mother’s birthday. I lost her almost 20 years ago.

It feels like yesterday.

I miss her so much.

She was so beautiful..

I had two kids before she departed this life. I wish they had known more of her but they were really too young. My oldest remembers her vividly and still questions why I didn’t let her visit her grandmother in the hospital. I thought I was protecting her, and honestly I thought I had more time. Boy, was I wrong.

My mother did all the right things. She ate right. Was active enough. She never smoked or drank. But her heart, well it was as weak. Perhaps it was the years of abuse she suffered in her early marriage years. Perhaps it was the the broken-heartedness she suffered from having her baby boy snatched from her by that monster of a husband she had. The questions are many, but the answers are few.

She was so gentle and kind. Hilariously funny and truly angelic. Perhaps too much for this world. The only thing I know with certainty is that I miss her terribly. The yearning never quiet goes away. At times I’m going about my day and from out of no where I get a whiff of her smell. Floral and pure. It’s crazy. My daughter tells me she often smells her too.

I know she’s present.

Watching. Looking. Protecting.

But is she proud? God I hope so.

I was twenty- seven years old when she passed.

If only I knew then what I know now.

Well Ma.. what else can I say. Rest on in heavenly peace. Thank you for watching over me and your grandchildren. I know you’ve got the angels working over time because me and your grandchildren are an absolute piece of work! We love and honor you always and forever. We’ll never forget you.

Dee

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For more months than I care to remember, my life has been one heck of an obstacle course.
Yes, I’ve been absent.
Yes, I’ve been bothered.
Yes, I’ve been woozy, lost, dazed, and ripped up inside.
I’ve watched someone die.
Someone that I love. But more than that, get this,  it was someone that I loved.
She was my everything.
She accepted me.
She loved me.
She loved my children.
She gave herself to me, to us, unconditionally.
She was my grandmother, and I watched and I prayed, and I saw her dying.
A vicious mass 16 centimeters came along, didn’t ask any questions, it just came and positioned it self inside of her and wrecked all of our lives.
Her heart, worn and battered from years on the battle field of life, simply had given up.
She fought.
We tried.
We fought for her.
We fought with her.
We encouraged her.
We loved her.
And.. we lost her.
My life is shattered. In shambles. I don’t think anyone gets that she was the all and the everything.
She was the boom and the bip. The sugar to the Kool aid. She was the main ingredient. She was the rest of the story.
She was gracious and beautiful and full of wisdom and lessons.
She was music. Gospel music. Powerful. Strong. The alto of all Altos.
She was my Jumae.
From the beginning she’s always been there.
Not sometimes.
Not with conditions.
Just there, always.
She protected me. She rescued me. And I wanted to do the same for her.
I was helpless. Although I tried everything I could, it didnt work and so,  I watched.
I watched her slip away. Little by little. Bit by bit, breath by breath. I watched. And it shook every fiber of me.
I watched her grow silent.
I watched her in fear.
I watched her grow angry.
I watched her withdraw.
I watched her transition.
I watched the dying.
And through it all, she was so brave.
My family, we were there. The way she wanted it.
We watched her suffering, but only for a little while. I wanted the pain to stop. I was relieved when it did. Then I felt guilty about feeling relieved. I didn’t want her to go. I wanted her to stay. She was so full of life. But she had to go.
She went from shock, to saddness, to disbelief, to denial, to depression, to hope, to dispair, to faith, to withdrawal, to acceptance, to transition.
I watched her going.
I stroked her arm.
I whispered in her ear. “Thank you for taking care of me, thank you for loving me.”
She looked at me.. she didn’t talk much in the end. Sometimes she mananged to say I love you too. But she was always mumbling bible verses. Encouraging herself. She knew her word. She kept it in her heart. She taught me. I stare in the mirror and I see her eyes, I see her face, I see her spirit in me.
I am everything I am, because of who she was.
I love music.
I am cultured.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am giving.
I am loving.
I am gifted.
Jumae taught me.
She told us she would be here for thanksgiving, and she was. And after all the chaos of the day. After seeing everyone, and us loving on her, later that night, after almost everyone left, she left too. And she did it as she always did, she did it Julia’s way.
That was her thing to say, “yes, I did it, but I did it Julia’s way.”
She traveled the world, she recorded albums and songs, she sang with some of the best known singers this world has to offer.
She did it all, and she did it her way.
She was remarkable.
The bravest, and strongest woman I know.
I am honored to have known her.
I am in awe of the beauty of every part of her, even to the last minute, even in watching the dying.
I had to let her go.
I loved her, we loved her. But God loved her best.
I will miss her always.
I will honor her always.
And I will be the kind of woman and mother that she taught me to be.
When you see greatness in me, please know, Jumae taught me.
My angel. With the voice of an angel. Is resting with the angels.

Julia Mae Price-WIlliams -Great is Thy Faithfulne…: http://youtu.be/WJkAZuO8aVc

In memory of my loving grandmother Julia Mae Price-Williams 1937-2014
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The book titled ,The Needs of the Dying by David Kessler really helped me see that dying was as much a part of life as living. It helped me put things in perspective.
Excerpt :

The need to be treated as a living human being, the need for hope, the need to express emotions, the need to participate in care, the need for honesty, the need for spirituality, and the need to be free of physical pain.

Peace and love,
Dee