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love

I love you.
But
I can’t stand you.
You make me happy.
And
You make me cry.
You are a listening ear.
But
You talk to much.
You go away,
Yet
You always come back
You are always there for me
When I need you,
You are always there for me

You are imperfect
I know that
But
I….
can’t get through life without you
I love you
I need you
My family

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Family—they get on my nerves sometimes, but we remain/are close in spite of it. And… the fact is, I can’t live without them !

Peace and love,
Dee

The real is how I’m feeling makes me seem weak.

I have to be hard, and strong.

It’s a man’s job from the start.
Protecting all things including my heart.
I want you to get closer, but as soon as you do, my armour will move us apart.

It’s invisable to your eyes, and the key is locked away.
If I remove the protective cover, how do I know you’ll want to stay?
If I show you the truth of myself, will you stick around for what comes day after day, after day?

I want the proof that’s in the pudding

I want…You

But..
I don’t know how to state the facts.

So I keep you at a distance,  and I’m cool with doing that.

Except….
I still want you,  and it won’t go away.
Feeling weak.
my bones aching for love.

I crave it

but I’m afraid to say it

even more afraid to show it.

Wondering what a million tomorrows would be like with you
and I’m afraid to let you know it.

So, I don’t
And. I’m alone..craving
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My words above, but his feelings. He talked, and I mentally composed His thoughts, AND told him that too!

So yea, in a nutshell, this is what I get from.. “Him.”
Nice guy, close to wonderful and this chump is afraid! You heard me–AFRAID!

We connect in lots of ways.
An endless supply of stimulation for my mind is required, and he delivers. That alone, is quite refreshing.
But then…His fears take over.

I get it, men have fears too.
I never doubted it, I don’t think I’ve heard it put so basic, exact and upfront before, but I get it.

There is this notion though, that men shouldn’t feel, or show weakness, and for whatever reason, showing REAL emotion equals….weakness.

I personally think it’s a stupid notion.

Let me clarify.
Now, I don’t want some needy, blubbering cry baby all up and through my space, throwing my energy off.
NO.
I’m not saying that.

I’m saying it’s ok to feel.
To show it.
To care about it, and let her know it.

I gave him a good piece of pie, by way of a-tell- it- like- it- is moment, and it went something like this:

I hear you, I really do, but what you are saying is that you’re afraid to show yourself. I’m struggling with the whole concept of how you think that realization will fit with me. You want something solid, yet you are afraid to offer the same. You want to show yourself on the surface, but you want them to go deep. And you say you want proof? Can’t do it. Time and effort will show the proof.
Look, I’m not into guarantees or make believe.
At this moment, to give guarantees on how this will turn out would be premature,  and truly foolish.

Their are no guarantees ok.

I can assure you this though, if you keep this up, you’ll find yourself alone time and time again.
Ha!
Now that, I can guarantee.
Your mind is misleading you.
Use your heart, and not your mind.
Be willing.
Try.
And if you get hurt, go through that.
It happens.
Get back up and dust off.
Try again.

He looked at me.. I mean a deep look, and said, “I’m really a great guy, with alot to give, I just don’t want to show myself and be left after I’ve given so much, I’m a great guy though. ”

I replied, “I bet you are, but if you are too afraid to show it,  no one will ever know.”

And that was pretty much it. I’m just gonna leave that one right there.
What I’m not gonna do is spend my time reassuring,  and trying to break through walls that are unbreakable. Nope, not doing that.
We’re all afraid of something, but I’m just not in the mood for this right now.

*rolls eyes*

And so it continues…

Peace and love,
Dee

” The bone collector. I chew em up, and spit em out like snuff.”

Men that is. But not in the way you might think. It seems, I’ve developed quite a reputation. I don’t wait years or even months to aknowledge the truth of what a man shows me. If he has questionable behavior, or is disrespectful, or has character defects that just won’t do for me, I end it. Immediately.
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Look, I’m a grown woman. I even have an adult child. I don’t have time for chaos, or confusion. I can’t and I won’t waste my time on someone who starts off wrong. It’s me and, I make no apologies for that. Those who are close to me joke me about it though. A few of us were together the other night, and I was talked about like I wasn’t even there. It was all in fun, but still they weren’t holding back. My cousin mentioned her husband asked how things are going with a guy I was newly dating because, “we all know that it could be over in a flash as soon as he does something she doesn’t like.” (By she, she meant me.)
They all chimed in laughing in unison,  slapping fives and agreeing that his bones could being laying in the box along with the rest at any minute. I laughed it off too, but it has certainly forced me to think this thing over. Especially after my date with that same man they were referring to, ended in haste. At first, I was having a good time. Really just enjoying getting to know him, and then all in one date,  everything was revealed to me.
This guy is the antithesis of everything that I’m not. Things I told him I didn’t like, he agreed with me, yet, he revealed those very same things in himself. All in one date. I sat back, and watched, listened, and shook my head to the tune of, I am was just too damn good for this. I’m not going to get into deep details, but, it had alot to do with drugs and alcohol, marriage, and a closeness that began to feel…..fake. I didn’t want to marry him, I had just met him. He was already planning our engagement pictures. Then a wedding. Scratch that. This fool is crazy.
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Love should be organic. Not rushed, or forced just…natural.

Underneath all the mess, I guess he was a nice guy, but clearly not for me. I ran from him. NOT WALKED, I RAN. There is no way I can accept lies, deceit, and disorderly conduct. It happened so fast, his head was spinning. My final words…I’m done.

Bone collector strikes again.

I don’t really like having such a reputation for sniffing out the bull, but I guess I’ve earned it. How you start is how you finish. If you have behavior from day one that I cant stomach, why would I continue?  In relationships we often give away too much, too soon. So fast that we don’t get to see the questionable behavior that could be lying underneath. It gets clouded by emotion and we can’t see clearly. Therefore, we later complain about these issues but, ignore what’s been there from the start. I’ve been there and done that. No more. I won’t…I’m done.

Dee
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A true life short by Dee.

“Just because I’m single, that doesn’t mean I’m desperate”

I speak to myself in soothing tones, “They really don’t mean to be annoying to your soul. Right? Family, friends, coworkers, the receptionists at your doctor’s office, they couldn’t possibly mean to irk your nerves when they play the cupid magic wand game”. Right?

This is my confession:
It’s a fact, I’m a single lady. I haven’t met “the one” yet. I use the word, YET with great optimism. I do plan to marry, and yes, being single does frustrate me at times, but I’ve mentioned in previous post that I have standards and have chosen to wait for a particular guy minus wasting my precious little time chile. I’m just saying.

Its jarring to me, that being single somehow equates to desperation. Allow me to explain because folks be trying me.

No, I don’t want to be fixed up with your cousin Jethro, your brother Melvin, your father in law Rufus, or your next door neighbor Wallace. These people never stop waving the wand, and somehow get offended when you tell them you aren’t interested. It has to be something more than the fact that you think he’d make a great guy for me or that I should meet him just because I’m single. No thanks. I don’t need your help. I’m good. And trust, your girl can turn heads. My life is pretty full, it’s almost always occupied, and busy. Plus, did it ever occur to them that I’m happy? When love comes, and trust me, it will, just as it has before. But when love calls again, there won’t be anything that can keep us apart, and we won’t need your cupid wand of approval.

Now, If you are the type that whines all the time about being single, or to ask friends and family to help you secure a significant other, then this post isn’t for you. But..If you feel like me, then I feel for you. And if you are reading this and find yourself being guilty of this offense, shame on you. (Smile) Leave your single friends alone.

Sure, I’m single, but I’m not desperate.

Peace and blessings,
Dee