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Remember that..?
The year was 1994. I was 22 years old.
Young. Impressionable. Mean as ever, but this film taught me a valuable lesson. I believed in love.
I was in young love at the time, but I didn’t want my love. Oh no, I wanted the love  Jason was showing Lyric.

Jason’s Lyric is a romantic drama, written by Bobby Smith, Jr, and directed by Doug McHenry. These two were notable and equally successful as producers with various films, including the classic, New Jack City.

Jason’s Lyric features actors including Allen Payne (who I was in love with), Jada Pinkett Smith, Bokeem Woodbine, Treach, Eddie Griffin, Lahmard Tate, Lisa Nicole Carson, and Forest Whitaker. The story is set in Houston, Texas, and centers around a group of young adults who learn to deal with hurt, love and maturity, in the mist of very trying times.

Jason (Allen Payne my love *smile*) is a stand up guy who could have been a product of his colorful environment, but instead has a straight track mind, and a job in a television repair shop. He  lives at home with his loving, hard-working mom (Suzzanne Douglas) whom he adores. His bad, narrow minded brother Joshua (Bokeem Woodbine) is the younger of the two and has just been released from prison, and he and Jason are like night and day. Josh is a volatile, alcoholic who is clearly mental and extremely disturbed. He’s an an ex-con who is destined for nothing short of a violent end. He deals drugs for petty cash and joins a crew plotting a bank robbery.

When Lyric (Jada Pinkett Smith) walks into the shop where Jason works to buy a television, Jason is immediately smitten. She has dreams laced in what seems like fairytale, etched in poetry, mapped out by way of escape. She inspires Jason, and invites him into another world that he didnt know existed. Their relationship suddenly blossoms into love.

Jason has nightmares of his rocky childhood, that is filled with domestic abuse and tradgedy. Forest Whitaker plays his father, Mad Dog. Througout the film we learn that either Jason or Joshua killed Mad Dog while he drunkenly attacked their beloved mother. Lyric forces him in the most gentle , but truthful way to learn to deal with his past, and move on with his life.

“I can’t be hurt by you Jason, but that’s exactly what your gonna do if you keep trying to save a brother that don’t wanna be saved.”

“Sometimes heroes have to walk away. Walk away, Jason… or we can’t be together.”

Damn…

This comes enlight of the brewing war between Lyrics thug ass brother Alonzo, and the death wish crazy gun toting Joshua.

The plot thickens..

Now look, when I saw this film in the movies, I was with a group of eight, yet it was if I was there alone. Well, me and Jason.
Tehe…
I was so enthralled in it, that it was like I had become Lyric. There is a part near the end when she was shot, and I began to weep. Not cry. Honey, I wept. Loudly.
It took me a while to come down from that moment. Someone sitting in back of me said out loud, “Damn, what you know them.”
That’s when I snapped back to reality. I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t believe I had let my hard, no nonsense self slip in puplic like that. I didn’t even know I had those kinds of feelings. But that was the day that I realized I believed in love.

These were young black folks, just like me. I’ve always loved the magic and enchantment of the fairytale. Because of Jason’s Lyric, baby I knew that true love existed.

Aahh…

Nostalgia.

Instead of a crowded movie theater with friends, I’m watching with my eighteen year old daughter. Thinking, reflecting, and remembering young love.
I told her the story of the movie theater when I cried out. No… When I wept. And she laughed at me so hard.

I told her, one day you may be so captivated by something, so caught up on the idea of love that it might bite your little prissy behind in the butt too.

Ha!

Jason’s Lyric. A cult classic in my book.
Do you remember? Please share your thoughts.

As always
Peace and love,
Dee

For starters, can I still call myself a single lady if “He” has already asked me to be his lady and I accepted?

I don’t know if I’m clear on that.
I don’t know that I care for clarification since, I’m not all caught up on titles such as girlfriend, boyfriend, my lady, my man and so on.

I’m more into the knowing.

And if you know that you know what you know, the title is irrelevant..

Let me move along before I start rambling.

So yea, you know that rule.

The 90 day one.

Something about not having sexual relations until after the first 90 days because waiting 90 days will give you time to grow your relationship, grant you some morality cool points, and hopefully take your relationship to a more comfortable, stable situation.

Well, I guess I’ve been sort of doing the 90 day rule on steroids.

Nooooo.. I’m not on steroids.

I’ve just taken a different approach to the 90 day rule which in actuality really isn’t so different at all.

This isn’t something I go around broadcasting either, so give me a moment. My closer circle of family and friends know about it. But somehow, it’s kind of hard to say here..
Eh…
Umm..
I’m…
I’m celibate.
There, I said it.
Here is my confession:
I practice celibacy. I’ve been practicing it for years. The number doesn’t matter, just know it’s been a long time. My youngest child is seven years old, so you can venture a guess that it’s sometime between her birth and now. What’s important though is the why.

It is a personal choice and the lifestyle will not suit everyone. It comes with its own set of challenges, doubts, fears, temptations, and all of that is amplified when you are actively in a relationship.
For me, I always wanted that traditional situation. That biblical idea of the virgin, husband/wife and all that. I always wanted it, yet I didn’t know that I wanted it until after I was already an unmarried mother of four.

I alone decided to recommit myself to the idea, and wait until marriage to have that kind of bond with a man again.
Let me give you some background.
I like sex.
I enjoy it.
Alot.
But, I’ve had it before, and a relationship is so much more than sex. My thinking is, that when sex comes into the relationship too soon, things get mixed up and can become quite complicated. Development takes a backseat because its growth has been stunted by lust and desire. As a result of this, we don’t get time to properly grow the relationship because now, an emotional attachment, via sex has shook up the natural order of things.
I wanted more.
I wanted to experience a greater love. An organically grown love.
Based on truth, respect, honor, trust, loyalty and I knew I couldn’t aquire that greater love without a sacrifice. I wanted more than I had previously had.  I began to desire more and I wrote about it, I thought about it, and I prayed about it. What God gave me back is that if I wanted something different, I had to do something different. And so, the journey began.
I’ve often been met with criticism, and believe it or not, it mostly comes from other women. And what do these women say?
1. Oh I couldn’t do that.
2. Why are you depriving yourself.
3. Do you even like sex.
4. No man will ever go for that.
5. You must be crazy.
6. It couldn’t be me.
7. oh, hell no, I Gets mine.
And the list goes on and on… trust me, other women be trying it.
Men aren’t nearly as critical as woman can be with this information, but they immediately turn into huntsman. A few scenarios can take place when you tell a man this for the first time. 
1. Intially, he doesn’t believe you.
2. He doesn’t take the full magnitude of what you’re saying.
3. He thinks you are celibate because you are single.
4. He believes he can slow walk you, change your mind, and conquer you.

Men love a challenge. It’s like a hunt, so now you withholding sex becomes a game. If any man can’t respect this process, then he ain’t the man for me. They will try you, but when you hold out, and stick to your own principles, he is going to do one of two things. Stick around, or leave.
It’s really that simple.

The thing about me is that I am extremely strong and very serious about my principles. It’s basically a covenant between me, and God. I refuse to allow anyone to break that covenant, even myelf. The covenant will come full circle on my wedding day. The man I marry will be the one. The whole of it is for him, and I, and our union. I don’t have time to be dating some guy for three months, giving away my treasure, later realizing we aren’t that compatible at all.
Personally, I’ve always had a pretty strong set of values and I’ve never been into casual sex.
I don’t act on impulse or emotions.
No thanks.
I’m doing it this way.
I know what God told me. I’m real clear on that. 
I’m currently in a relationship, and explaining it to him was a lot easier than a few other men I’ve had this same conversation with over the years. He didn’t automatically understand it, but he did ask a ton of questions and eventually learned it’s importance to me.
I gave him a choice.
Stay or go.
I’m not changing.
He can change his own mind about continuing in this if he wants to.
We are highly attracted to each other in every way, but my principles come first.
The elements of our relationship are the same as any other. It’s fun, it’s giddy, it’s interesting, its intimate, it’s deep, it’s growing. We enjoy each other. We enjoy every aspect of a traditional relationship except, we don’t have sex. That’s it.
I’m doing it this way. We’re doing it this way.
I’m trusting God.
I’m honoring the process.
And anyone who doesn’t get or understand it, that’s really a problem for them.
Me and my dude, we good over here..

Peace and blessings,
Dee

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You laugh and mock the life I made for you.
How did I get here?
Stripped of myself, my beauty, and… my dreams.

Naked before you,
and the world.
I can’t hide the truth.
I gave it all, and tried my best ,and it still shattered before my eyes.

Before days light,
I’ve cried an ocean for you and with every tear,
I lost a part of me.

I’m tumbling through life and it’s chaotic.
Desperately seeking a peak of the woman I use to be.
The calm comes when I just stand. Something tells me daily, Woman, you must stand!
I hear laughter, and children playing on the carousal of life.
I feel the heat of myself and I quiver in anticipation of meeting me again.
I stand tall.
And you,
are a distant memory of the tears dried by the sun of a new day’s light.
I am me again.
Breathing.
Living beautifully.
Fearfully and wonderfully living out my dreams.
No longer staying down.
I stand.

Copyright © 2012 D.Lavon- All rights reserved

I wrote that for a friend who was coming out of a bad marriage.
I know we all have our own process,  but it was just my way of saying I was there and that I believed it would pass. She told me the poem really encouraged her and she felt like could indeed STAND.

I love to be an inspiration, as so many have done the same for me.

Has anyone inspired you with words, or actions? Or just by standing with you in truth? Please share your experience.

Peace and blessings
Dee

The real is how I’m feeling makes me seem weak.

I have to be hard, and strong.

It’s a man’s job from the start.
Protecting all things including my heart.
I want you to get closer, but as soon as you do, my armour will move us apart.

It’s invisable to your eyes, and the key is locked away.
If I remove the protective cover, how do I know you’ll want to stay?
If I show you the truth of myself, will you stick around for what comes day after day, after day?

I want the proof that’s in the pudding

I want…You

But..
I don’t know how to state the facts.

So I keep you at a distance,  and I’m cool with doing that.

Except….
I still want you,  and it won’t go away.
Feeling weak.
my bones aching for love.

I crave it

but I’m afraid to say it

even more afraid to show it.

Wondering what a million tomorrows would be like with you
and I’m afraid to let you know it.

So, I don’t
And. I’m alone..craving
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My words above, but his feelings. He talked, and I mentally composed His thoughts, AND told him that too!

So yea, in a nutshell, this is what I get from.. “Him.”
Nice guy, close to wonderful and this chump is afraid! You heard me–AFRAID!

We connect in lots of ways.
An endless supply of stimulation for my mind is required, and he delivers. That alone, is quite refreshing.
But then…His fears take over.

I get it, men have fears too.
I never doubted it, I don’t think I’ve heard it put so basic, exact and upfront before, but I get it.

There is this notion though, that men shouldn’t feel, or show weakness, and for whatever reason, showing REAL emotion equals….weakness.

I personally think it’s a stupid notion.

Let me clarify.
Now, I don’t want some needy, blubbering cry baby all up and through my space, throwing my energy off.
NO.
I’m not saying that.

I’m saying it’s ok to feel.
To show it.
To care about it, and let her know it.

I gave him a good piece of pie, by way of a-tell- it- like- it- is moment, and it went something like this:

I hear you, I really do, but what you are saying is that you’re afraid to show yourself. I’m struggling with the whole concept of how you think that realization will fit with me. You want something solid, yet you are afraid to offer the same. You want to show yourself on the surface, but you want them to go deep. And you say you want proof? Can’t do it. Time and effort will show the proof.
Look, I’m not into guarantees or make believe.
At this moment, to give guarantees on how this will turn out would be premature,  and truly foolish.

Their are no guarantees ok.

I can assure you this though, if you keep this up, you’ll find yourself alone time and time again.
Ha!
Now that, I can guarantee.
Your mind is misleading you.
Use your heart, and not your mind.
Be willing.
Try.
And if you get hurt, go through that.
It happens.
Get back up and dust off.
Try again.

He looked at me.. I mean a deep look, and said, “I’m really a great guy, with alot to give, I just don’t want to show myself and be left after I’ve given so much, I’m a great guy though. ”

I replied, “I bet you are, but if you are too afraid to show it,  no one will ever know.”

And that was pretty much it. I’m just gonna leave that one right there.
What I’m not gonna do is spend my time reassuring,  and trying to break through walls that are unbreakable. Nope, not doing that.
We’re all afraid of something, but I’m just not in the mood for this right now.

*rolls eyes*

And so it continues…

Peace and love,
Dee

” The bone collector. I chew em up, and spit em out like snuff.”

Men that is. But not in the way you might think. It seems, I’ve developed quite a reputation. I don’t wait years or even months to aknowledge the truth of what a man shows me. If he has questionable behavior, or is disrespectful, or has character defects that just won’t do for me, I end it. Immediately.
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Look, I’m a grown woman. I even have an adult child. I don’t have time for chaos, or confusion. I can’t and I won’t waste my time on someone who starts off wrong. It’s me and, I make no apologies for that. Those who are close to me joke me about it though. A few of us were together the other night, and I was talked about like I wasn’t even there. It was all in fun, but still they weren’t holding back. My cousin mentioned her husband asked how things are going with a guy I was newly dating because, “we all know that it could be over in a flash as soon as he does something she doesn’t like.” (By she, she meant me.)
They all chimed in laughing in unison,  slapping fives and agreeing that his bones could being laying in the box along with the rest at any minute. I laughed it off too, but it has certainly forced me to think this thing over. Especially after my date with that same man they were referring to, ended in haste. At first, I was having a good time. Really just enjoying getting to know him, and then all in one date,  everything was revealed to me.
This guy is the antithesis of everything that I’m not. Things I told him I didn’t like, he agreed with me, yet, he revealed those very same things in himself. All in one date. I sat back, and watched, listened, and shook my head to the tune of, I am was just too damn good for this. I’m not going to get into deep details, but, it had alot to do with drugs and alcohol, marriage, and a closeness that began to feel…..fake. I didn’t want to marry him, I had just met him. He was already planning our engagement pictures. Then a wedding. Scratch that. This fool is crazy.
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Love should be organic. Not rushed, or forced just…natural.

Underneath all the mess, I guess he was a nice guy, but clearly not for me. I ran from him. NOT WALKED, I RAN. There is no way I can accept lies, deceit, and disorderly conduct. It happened so fast, his head was spinning. My final words…I’m done.

Bone collector strikes again.

I don’t really like having such a reputation for sniffing out the bull, but I guess I’ve earned it. How you start is how you finish. If you have behavior from day one that I cant stomach, why would I continue?  In relationships we often give away too much, too soon. So fast that we don’t get to see the questionable behavior that could be lying underneath. It gets clouded by emotion and we can’t see clearly. Therefore, we later complain about these issues but, ignore what’s been there from the start. I’ve been there and done that. No more. I won’t…I’m done.

Dee
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A true life short by Dee.

The potential was there. But then, ruin stepped in.
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I was at a party and a friend was yapping my ear off incessantly about how his friend had a real affinity for me. Is that so, I thought. Yeaaaah, he told me, “my man has been in love with you for about 3 years.” I told him that was impossible being that he didn’t know me. Secondly, who are you his representative? I had never seen any action behind this alleged long standing crush,  therefore, it doesn’t exist.

I went on enjoying my night and then eventually I ran into the one with the supposed affinity for me. Again,  his representative jumped in and said here he is, he was looking for you. He stared me down like I was a tall glass of ice tea on a hot summer day. But he sure didn’t say much. He was pushed into telling me that it was true, he had been liking me for quite sometime and that he thought I was very good looking. I wasn’t impressed by that, or even flattered. But I thought it courteous to thank him for the compliment anyway. The representative kept trying to make a love connection, but that wasn’t the least bit on my radar.

Later I went out doors to catch some air, following close behind are Frick and Frack. The Rep jumps right back in where he left off. Speaking not for himself, but speaking for another grown man about his affections for me. Yap, yap, yap. I said what are you the puppet master. He said ,”Naw my man is just shy, and I said “Oh, well your man is not the man for me.”  Frack finally speaks up and says “I’m not shy, I just hadn’t had time to tell you about these things.”The Rep,  aka Frick aka the puppet master said, “ask for her phone number man.”
I said you know what, this is where I draw the line. This charade has gone on long enough. I can’t date, will not date, or even talk to a man who cannot talk for himself. If he has rejection issues or whatever,  then he needs to get a shrink. If I come off as unapproachable, I don’t even care anymore. The whole shy brother routine put a bad taste in my mouth.

Here is my confession:
I don’t even know that a numbers exchange would have happened or that anything would have progressed from the discovery of his self professed long standing crush. What I do know is that any potential was ruined simply because he couldn’t talk for himself. I don’t think a woman wants to talk to man that doesn’t have enough confidence to approach her . Are these tactics really working on women? Not me. I don’t play that.  Some of these men out here need to step their game up. They are either too bold, or not bold enough. I’m over this whole scene. The word disheartening comes to mind.

Dee

“Just because I’m single, that doesn’t mean I’m desperate”

I speak to myself in soothing tones, “They really don’t mean to be annoying to your soul. Right? Family, friends, coworkers, the receptionists at your doctor’s office, they couldn’t possibly mean to irk your nerves when they play the cupid magic wand game”. Right?

This is my confession:
It’s a fact, I’m a single lady. I haven’t met “the one” yet. I use the word, YET with great optimism. I do plan to marry, and yes, being single does frustrate me at times, but I’ve mentioned in previous post that I have standards and have chosen to wait for a particular guy minus wasting my precious little time chile. I’m just saying.

Its jarring to me, that being single somehow equates to desperation. Allow me to explain because folks be trying me.

No, I don’t want to be fixed up with your cousin Jethro, your brother Melvin, your father in law Rufus, or your next door neighbor Wallace. These people never stop waving the wand, and somehow get offended when you tell them you aren’t interested. It has to be something more than the fact that you think he’d make a great guy for me or that I should meet him just because I’m single. No thanks. I don’t need your help. I’m good. And trust, your girl can turn heads. My life is pretty full, it’s almost always occupied, and busy. Plus, did it ever occur to them that I’m happy? When love comes, and trust me, it will, just as it has before. But when love calls again, there won’t be anything that can keep us apart, and we won’t need your cupid wand of approval.

Now, If you are the type that whines all the time about being single, or to ask friends and family to help you secure a significant other, then this post isn’t for you. But..If you feel like me, then I feel for you. And if you are reading this and find yourself being guilty of this offense, shame on you. (Smile) Leave your single friends alone.

Sure, I’m single, but I’m not desperate.

Peace and blessings,
Dee