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May I tell you how much you mean to me?

You mean EVERYTHING to me. I wish I could tell you.

Is it too late? Have I missed the chance. How about I hate myself for not cherishing you MORE when I had you here with me.

Yesterday was rough.

Sometimes I get through it easy enough and other times, I’m just numb.

August 18th was my mother’s birthday. I lost her almost 20 years ago.

It feels like yesterday.

I miss her so much.

She was so beautiful..

I had two kids before she departed this life. I wish they had known more of her but they were really too young. My oldest remembers her vividly and still questions why I didn’t let her visit her grandmother in the hospital. I thought I was protecting her, and honestly I thought I had more time. Boy, was I wrong.

My mother did all the right things. She ate right. Was active enough. She never smoked or drank. But her heart, well it was as weak. Perhaps it was the years of abuse she suffered in her early marriage years. Perhaps it was the the broken-heartedness she suffered from having her baby boy snatched from her by that monster of a husband she had. The questions are many, but the answers are few.

She was so gentle and kind. Hilariously funny and truly angelic. Perhaps too much for this world. The only thing I know with certainty is that I miss her terribly. The yearning never quiet goes away. At times I’m going about my day and from out of no where I get a whiff of her smell. Floral and pure. It’s crazy. My daughter tells me she often smells her too.

I know she’s present.

Watching. Looking. Protecting.

But is she proud? God I hope so.

I was twenty- seven years old when she passed.

If only I knew then what I know now.

Well Ma.. what else can I say. Rest on in heavenly peace. Thank you for watching over me and your grandchildren. I know you’ve got the angels working over time because me and your grandchildren are an absolute piece of work! We love and honor you always and forever. We’ll never forget you.

Dee